Alexander Movie Parody
by Qaddafi the Ripper
The real reason the movie sometimes didn't make sense: Ptolemy's fading memory and bladder control.

PTOLEMY: But in those days, we didn't have loin clothes. Every time the wind went past, everyone could see your family jewels. The ladies liked it though.

SCRIBE DUDE: Um, could we talk about something else?

PTOLEMY: Like what?

SCRIBE DUDE: I dunno... history?

PTOLEMY: Oh, okay. And call me Pharaoh!

SCRIBE DUDE: Sure thing, boss.

PTOLEMY: History? I know! I'll tell you about my old chum Alexander. Ya know, the guy who conquered, like, the whole frigging world?

SCRIBE DUDE: I know who he is, sir.

PTOLEMY: Well then...

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: He started out as a kid, like most people do. His parents were pretty psychotic though. Oh, and don't ask how I know about this incident!

OLYMPIAS: Look, dear. A cute, cuddly snake. Go on, take it.

ALEXANDER: *takes snake*

OLYMPIAS: You're such a good boy. Not at all like your father.

ALEXANDER: *looks cute*

PHILIP: *comes charging in* I want some hot loving, woman!

OLYMPIAS: Ew, not now.

PHILIP: Why not? *tries to rape her*

OLYMPIAS: Because our son is here. Duh. We don't want to give him permanent mental scars, do we?

PHILIP: Oh, like we're not going to do that anyway.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: So, skipping ahead a few years (I'm sure nothing important happened then), Alexander turned gay. Which I'm sure wasn't at all caused by his mom. Or the training.

GUY IN CHARGE OF TRAINING: That's it, boys! Roll around on the ground! Wrap your arms and legs around each other! Press each other into the ground!

SOME KID: My parents do this sometimes. Only they use a bed.

ALEXANDER: I liked rolling around on the ground with you, Hephaistion.

HEPHAISTION: Yeah, me too. Especially when I top.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And when we weren't doing gay training, we went to school with Aristotle.

ARISTOTLE: Blah blah blah... Greeks rock... blah blah blah... the soul is very important... blah blah blah... Alexander! Are you listening?

ALEXANDER: Sure I am. You just said Persians are dorks and being gay is cool.

ARISTOTLE: Lucky guess. As I was saying, blah blah blah...

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: Funny, I don't remember much of what he taught. Oh well, couldn't have been anything important. So, skipping ahead a few more years, otherwise we'll never finish this story before I have to go to the bathroom again.

BUCEPHALUS: I get a crappy role in this flick! I'm going to talk to my agent!

PHILIP: No one could ride that beast! He's a monster!

BUCEPHALUS: And the script sucks too!

ALEXANDER: I could ride him, Father!

OLYMPIAS: Yes, go, son! Show everyone you're a man! The audience needs the reminder, after those gay training scenes!

ALEXANDER: *to Bucephalus* There, there. No need to be so upset. If you become my horse, you'll have a much better part in this movie. And when you die, I'll name a city after you, even if the movie doesn't mention it.

BUCEPHALUS: Deal!

ALEXANDER: *goes off riding on Bucephalus*

PHILIP: Oh, excellent job! I swear I'll always love you and be proud of you!

ALEXANDER: What's this strange, foreshadowing feeling I'm getting?

*Later, in a creepy cave*

PHILIP: And this is a picture of what's-his-name, you know, the guy who killed his sons? And this is who's-it, who crossed the gods and was forced to watch Ben Affleck flicks for all eternity as punishment. And I like to call this one Sexy Mama, since the blood dripping down her eye looks nifty.

ALEXANDER: Should I be learning a lesson here?

PHILIP: Yeah. Blame the gods for everything.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: Let's skip another few years, okay? No one could possibly be confused by my narrative ability!

OLYMPIAS: Don't go to Philip's wedding. It's pretty much just a kegger anyways.

ALEXANDER: He's my father and I'm going. Besides, I like getting drunk, which I'm sure won't adversely affect me in the future.

OLYMPIAS: You don't listen to me! You're a horrible son! And you like your gay lover more than me!

ALEXANDER: Well, legally, I can't love you that way...

OLYMPIAS: Go away! Oh, and do you like my snake?

ALEXANDER: It's gorgeous, Mom.

*Later, at the party*

HEPHAISTION: Some party, huh? Isn't that Pausanias over there, getting molested?

ALEXANDER: Yeah, looks that way. It's just a typical wedding ceremony in Macedon.

ATTALUS: I propose a toast to the king, my new nephew-in-law! May he have a happy and sex-filled marriage! And, even though my niece looks rather masculine, may they have many, healthy legitimate kids together!

ALEXANDER: *throws a cup at Attalus* Are you saying my mother is a whore?

ATTALUS: Well, she has got this thing for snakes...

ALEXANDER: I won't sit here quietly and listen to this, even if Mom is obsessed with snakes! I'm leaving!

PHILIP: If you leave now, I'll divorce you! Er, I mean disown you! *trips and falls over the couch*

ALEXANDER: Try not to make speeches when you're drunk, Dad. It just doesn't work. *leaves*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And a few months later Philip died. Time sure flies some times, don't it? And then we razed Thebes. Mighty fun, that. I'm sure there's no need to go into detail about it here. And then we conquered Turkey and Egypt and stuff. I'll just skip all of that too. I'm sure none of you Egyptian people listening to me want to know how we liberated you from the Persians, right? Good. So then we had this really big battle.

ALEXANDER: This strategy meeting is fun. It reminds me of playing soldier when I was little. Anyone have any other suggestions?

PARMENION: Yeah. I think I need a bigger role before I get killed.

ALEXANDER: I meant real suggestions.

GENERALS: *have none*

ALEXANDER: And now I shall go around the room and list all my generals so that anyone who hasn't memorized a history book will be horribly confused.

*That night*

ALEXANDER: Hey, handsome. You ready for some action?

HEPHAISTION: *checking Alexander out* Oh, yeah.

ALEXANDER: ...I meant the battle.

HEPHAISTION: Oh. Damn. *looks up* Hey, a lunar eclipse!

ALEXANDER: Wow, what are the odds? I hope Persians are superstitious.

*The next day*

ALEXANDER: Hello, men. I hope you slept well last night, because most of you will die today. Oops, wrong speech! Sorry. I meant, I remember so many of you. Let's fight together bravely and avenge Philip, even though he's been dead for five years or something and you'd think we'd be over it by now.

MACEDONIANS: *cheer loudly*

BATTLE: *commences*

ALEXANDER: *rides like mad*

DARIUS: *looks scared shitless*

BATTLE: *becomes very confusing*

DUST: *rises*

RANDOM SOLDIERS ON BOTH SIDES: *die*

BIRD: *soars majestically past the camera, looking very computer animated*

ALEXANDER: Hey, dumb bird! Stop getting in the way of the picture!

BIRD: Shut up. I'm symbolic.

PARMENION: Alexander! Get the hell over here and save my ass!

ALEXANDER: But I'm busy trying to catch Darius!

PARMENION: If you don't save me now, you won't be able to have me killed later!

ALEXANDER: Oh, all right. *saves Parmenion's ass*

*After the battle*

ALEXANDER: Hello, random soldier. You don't look so good.

RANDOM INJURED SOLDIER: I'm getting better... *dies*

ALEXANDER: Beat that ruined his day. Well, at least this gives me a chance to angst. *does so*

*Next day, in Babylon*

ALEXANDER: Yes, I am all man. I accept your praises. Cool palace. And it's all mine! Yippee!

YOUNG PTOLEMY: Whoa, hot babes! Mind if I flirt?

KASSANDER: So what's your number, sweetheart?

BAGOAS: *stands to the side, looking sexy and mysterious*

STATEIRA: *to Hephaistion* Hello. Please spare my family.

HEPHAISTION: Er...

STATEIRA: I beg you!

ALEXANDER: You'd be wanting to talk to me, future wife who's way older than you're supposed to be. But don't sweat the mistaken identity thing. This way, historians will have proof that I'm gay.

STATEIRA: You are so wise and wonderful!

*Later*

OLYMPIAS VOICE-OVER: It's so nice that you're conquered our enemies, dear. But I kinda miss seeing you. With your father dead and you away, whose life can I ruin? Now I'll have to find a new hobby.

ALEXANDER: I'm so glad I'm not in Macedon!

HEPHAISTION: Can we have a meaningful moment?

ALEXANDER: Sure! In fact, let's have a whole scene that's loaded with innuendo! And then hug afterwards!

*They do so*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And then we left Babylon, which was too bad because I liked the hot babes. We went chasing Darius all over the place, which is what happens when you don't stop to ask for directions. We found him murdered by his own men.

ALEXANDER: Hey there, dead king. You were much better looking when you were alive.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: There were lots of nasty people in that area, so we kept fighting for a while. Then more stuff happened. Then Alexander decided he was bi, not gay. Talk about shocking.

ROXANE: *does dance that involves knives and briefly baring her stomach*

ALEXANDER: *drooling* She's hot.

GUY SITTING NEXT TO ALEXANDER: And single. Interested?

ALEXANDER: Oh yeah...

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: So they hooked up.

PARMENION: If you want to marry, why don't you marry some girl from Macedon?

ALEXANDER: No thanks. This will be good politically. And she has a cute stomach.

KASSANDER: You are so stupid.

ALEXANDER: *grabs Kassander and pushes him against the wall* What was that?

KASSANDER: Wow, you're much better looking up close. Want to kiss?

ALEXANDER: We are not having a moment here!

*Later*

ALEXANDER: Since it's my wedding day, I'm feeling generous. I'll pay you guys if you get married!

CLEITUS: What if we're gay?

ALEXANDER: Tough shit.

*That night*

HEPHAISTION: Here's a wedding present, Alexander.

ALEXANDER: Thank you! A man can never have too much jewelry.

ROXANE: Uh, excuse me? Am I interrupting something?

HEPHAISTION: Nope, definitely not. *leaves*

ALEXANDER: Hey, sexy wife! Let's have sex!

ROXANE: No! I'm not sure why I'm fighting you, but I am!

ALEXANDER: Hey, this kinda reminds of that time when I was little and my dad tried to rape my mom. I've got a really good memory!

ROXANE: That's wonderful, dear. *grabs knife, tries to kill Alexander*

ALEXANDER: So you want to kill me?

ROXANE: Not really, I just thought this would add a little extra spice. And more time for me to show off my huge boobies!

*They have sex*

ALEXANDER: You're not quite my mom... You have much bigger boobs than she does.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: Don't ask me how I know about all that. Anyway, then we went back to war and Alexander started ignoring Roxane. So I guess he decided to back to being just gay.

PAGE: *gives Alexander a cup*

ALEXANDER: *throws cup away and looks horrified*

PAGE: *falls to the ground, looking guilty*

AUDIENCE: WTF?

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: The pages tried to kill him, morons. So we killed them and Philotas too.

PHILOTAS: My role in this flick sucks! *dies*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And then we assassinated Parmenion because he was Philotas's dad.

CLEITUS: Hey, Parmenion! What's up?

PARMENION: Oh, you know, nothing mu--

CLEITUS: *stabs Parmenion and rolls around with him on the ground*

OTHER GUY: Okay, Cleitus, we all know you're gay now.

CLEITUS: It just took a long time to kill him. Really.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: This story's taking too long to tell! I'll go faster. So then we got stuck in the mountains, where it was cold.

ALEXANDER: I want to see the end of the world.

YOUNG PTOLEMY: I want to go back to Egypt where it's warm. And I want to be Pharaoh.

ALEXANDER: Ha ha! I'm Pharaoh, silly.

YOUNG PTOLEMY: For the time being at least.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: We had cool parties.

BAGOAS: *does a dance that isn't at all gay. Really.*

ROXANE: *walks off in a huff*

ALEXANDER: Where are you going? I thought chicks got off on watching gay guys.

ROXANE: This party is beneath your status as king.

ALEXANDER: What do you know about being a king? I'll see you and your boobies later, okay?

ROXANE: *leaves*

MEN: *applaud the gay dance*

ALEXANDER: *kisses Bagoas* I have decided to put you in charge in Bactria, Cleitus.

CLEITUS: What? I don't want to stay here. The boys are only so-so.

ALEXANDER: Stay.

CLEITUS: No.

ALEXANDER: *kills Cleitus*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: Cleitus was a cool guy and a friend of Philip's. Oh, maybe I should finally tell you how Philip died? Okay, here goes.

VERY BADLY PLACED FLASHBACK: *commences*

PHILIP: Son, trust Cleitus, because he is cool. And he has good taste in boys, right?

CLEITUS: Yep!

PHILIP: It's good to have you back. I missed you and I'll kill you if you ever piss me off again.

ALEXANDER: Er... sure, Dad.

*Elsewhere*

OLYMPIAS: Well hello, Mr. Eurydike.

EURYDIKE: I'm a woman. I'm married to your husband, remember?

OLYMPIAS: Oh, silly me! From looking at you, I thought you were another of his gay lovers!

*Back to Philip and Alexander*

PHILIP: And now I shall walk out all alone to prove that I'm a nice king.

ALEXANDER: I got a bad feeling about that, Dad.

PHILIP: Shut up and scram. *walks out and is greeted by Pausanias*

PAUSANIAS: *Frenches him in front of everybody, then knifes him*

PHILIP: Love hurts... *dies*

CROWD: *goes crazy*

PAUSANIAS: *is killed trying to run away*

ALEXANDER: Dad, you don't look so good.

CROWD: *proclaims Alexander king*

*Later*

ALEXANDER: Did you have anything to do with Dad's death, Mom?

OLYMPIAS: Of course not. Would I do something like that?

ALEXANDER: Yes.

OLYMPIAS: Phooey. Then let's just have a questionable kiss and get this mad flashback over with.

*They do so*

VERY BADLY PLACED FLASHBACK: *ends*

*Back to when Alexander's just killed Cleitus*

ROXANE: I want to talk to my husband.

GUARD: Too bad.

ROXANE: I'm the queen!

GUARD: No you're not.

ROXANE: I have huge boobies!

GUARD: *staring* Go right on in, Your Majesty!

HEPHAISTION: He doesn't want to see you.

ROXANE: Yes he does.

HEPHAISTION: No he doesn't.

ROXANE: I have huge boobies!

HEPHAISTION: I'm gay. Your huge boobies do not intimidate me. Now go!

ALEXANDER: I feel so guilty. I should at least have killed one of my ugly, uncool men.

HEPHAISTION: You can't just stay here sulking. Get up and move on!

BAGOAS: Hey, can I have some lines?

HEPHAISTION: No.

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And then we got to India, where we were attacked by monkeys. Kind of like in the Wizard of Oz, only we were much stupider than Dorothy. Also, these monkeys didn't fly. Then the troops got upset with Alexander.

CRATERUS: We'd like to go home soon, Alexander. What's the point of having all this loot if you haven't got anyone to show it off to?

ALEXANDER: I want to keep going!

RANDOM GUY IN CROWD: Well we don't!

OTHER RANDOM GUY IN CROWD: Yeah, you suck!

ALEXANDER: Okay, that's it! *fights his way into the crowd*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And he killed those who spoke against him. And then we fought lots of battles in India, but my memory's going, so I'll just combine it all into one battle.

MACEDONIAS: *look nervously through trees*

INDIANS: *attack with elephants. In a forest.*

MACEDONIAS: *are getting beat up*

ALEXANDER: *charges main bad guy on elephant*

SLOW-MOTION: *commences*

ALEXANDER AND BUCEPHALUS: *get hit by an arrow*

WEIRD SPECIAL EFFECT THAT MAKES EVERYTHING TURN RED: *commences*

MACEDONIANS: *go crazy*

ALEXANDER: *is carried off the battle field on a shield, while he stares in confusion at all the red around him*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: Don't worry, he survived!

ALEXANDER: *limps out of tent* I'm okay. Really. But we're turning around.

ARMY: *cheers*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: So we turned around and headed back. We went through this nasty desert that was the worst mistake of Alexander's life. I'd go into detail, but I'll have to go to the bathroom soon, so no time for details! We got to Babylon, where Alexander married that chick Stateira from way earlier, and where Hephaistion died.

ALEXANDER: You can't die on me. You're my Patroklos and I'm your Achilles!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOSE ONLY KNOWLEDGE OF ACHILLES AND PATROKLOS COMES FROM THE TROY MOVIE: So, they're cousins now?

ALEXANDER: I dream of continuing my conquest, starting with wherever-the-hell is closest and not already conquered.

HEPHAISTION: *dies*

ALEXANDER: Kill the doctor who let him die!

DOCTOR: It's not my fault! I wasn't even going to give you a ridiculously huge bill!

ALEXANDER: Roxane! Did you have anything to do with this?

ROXANE: No.

ALEXANDER: You lie! *starts to get violent*

ROXANE: Don't hurt me, I have huge boobies! And I'm pregnant!

ALEXANDER: Really? Well, fine, I'll let you live, but we're never having sex again!

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: And at some later point, we had a drinking party.

ALEXANDER: *is wearing his lion hat, which looks funny. Gets drunk and passes out*

PTOLEMY VOICE-OVER: So that's probably why he got sick and died. Although there are many other conspiracy theories too, all of which I shall now list.

AUDIENCE: If Stone's doing this for Alexander, I'd hate to see the JFK movie.

PTOLEMY: And so Alexander had these weird, pre-death visions and died, not naming a successor. But I got his gay ring! So what'd you think of the story?

SCRIBE DUDE: It was kind of confusing, sir.

PTOLEMY: No time to explain! Nature calls!

CREDITS: *commence*

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